…back to you

(”Broken Strings” by James Morrison, playing)
i’m sorry that i have bored you. i’m sorry that i wasn’t able to surprise you, or heat things up the way you wanted me to. i guess i’m not the fun kind of lover anymore. it’s a shame i’m past the gimmicks, or that i’ve outgrown youthful fervor, or that i’m already too resolved at my age, and you’re not. but come to think of it, i didn’t complain when you failed in that too. perhaps, the difference is that i just didn’t take the time to notice what was missing. i was too focused on what was there, and what you were willingly able to give. i guess the difference was that what was there was, for me… enough.

i’m sorry that i haven’t slept with you for a very long time. i admit my fault, and there may be no excuse for that, but that’s my reason, and that’s the truth. you know that. i did tell you it’s not on top of my list, and i never thought it would be a problem because you said you were fine with it, or so you made me think. too bad my insensitivity got in the way, and it’s a pity you had to look someplace else - with someone else - to fill in the gap. well, all that i hope for is that it was all worth it. that you sleeping with someone else - once, twice, God-only-knows-how-much - was worth throwing away all that we had. i wouldn’t even get to thinking whether it really did mean anything to you - us, i mean - but for whatever it’s worth, let me say that, to me. it did. you meant the world to me. time and again, i’ve told you that i chose to live the rest of my life with you. there were the plans i thought we mutually built, embedded in the promise of two platinum rings. that said, it was beyond comprehension for me that i would give myself to someone else in the intimate and soulful way that i gave myself to you… i had my share of temptations, you know. but that was all they were to me. temptations. invitations. cheap chances to last a moment. but i wouldn’t exchange a moment for a lifetime. and you are my lifetime, or at least you were. too bad you didn’t feel the same way.

i’m sorry that i made you feel this was all just for the company. you might have thought i “needed” the relationship more than i “wanted” it. i thought you knew me better.  i had a good life back home, and although you weren’t the only reason in me coming here, you were that one compelling reason that led me to do so… because, yes, i did want your company. the companionship. isn’t love supposed to rest on that? isn’t my lover supposed to be my bestfriend? when i see an old couple, i sink into fascination, and when i think how they have endured all the years they’ve been through and stay in love, i know for sure it wasn’t the fancy stuff that made it life-long. it was the sustaining company: that no matter what, they always have each other… oh well, i may have misunderstood you when you said that, that’s my bad, but i hope this much You understand: i meant to be your companion, quite frankly, but not because love wasn’t there, but because i found love in it. in the way you made me giggle when you dance the funny way you do, or when you make faces, or act out your tantrums. i found love in sleeping beside you underneath the sheets, stroking your hair until you fall asleep. i found love in watching movies with you, then talking about it and making impressions hours after we’ve watched it. i found love in eating out or just staying at home while enjoying your home-cooked meals with you, no matter what the food was, because food was tastiest when you prepared it. i found love in every small day-to-day things i did with you, not because they meant anything by themselves, but because i shared them with you. you were all that gave meaning to each and every trivial moment. you and your company… this understated company. it may have been my fault i didn’t notice you were wanting more grandeur, more passion, but please never take it against me if i was content, because i was. after all, all i really needed was you.

so, i guess you’ve found someone else… and that’s fine. you deserve someone better…

but…

so do i.

(”Permanent”, by David Cook, playing)

there had been too many lies. there had been too many false promises. i’ve bled and sobbed over too many mistakes and regrets and

disappointments enough to last me a lifetime. i will have none of it anymore.

this time, i’m not crying not because “i can’t cry no more”, not because i wasn’t in love, but because i simply choose to. i have decided not to waste

my tears if it isn’t worth it. let’s just say that i’ve held on to my tears because they’re more valuable than the price of being left behind by people who

do not appreciate me or realize my worth. it will take more than someone who doesn’t know any better to make me cry.

have i gone cold? maybe.
have i gone stiff? perhaps.
have i stopped hoping, bitter and pessimistic? i don’t know anymore.

if i am though, can you blame me?
can you take it against me even if i tried?
…coz God only knows how much i did.

how much i gave, even if it never seemed enough.
how much i tried to make things work, even if i was the only one trying.
how much i sought to put them first before me, even if it left me so little for myself.
how much i looked forward to the plans, only to be left behind.

if anything, i’m thankful that i learned.

there was the first, who taught me to commit myself only if it did feel right… only if there was love.
the second taught me to endure waiting, with little hope of being returned to, and hold on to nothing else but believing, deep in my heart, that all

will be well.
then the third. i was taught that facing your fears isn’t that hard if it means getting what you want. that prejudice leads to nothing, and inhibitions

get you nowhere.
fourth time around, i was taught that tomorrow will always be there, but today will only be here now. if you’re too scared of the future, what’s the

point of living through today?
on the fifth, i learned selflessness. that there is a distinct pleasure - for a whole lot of reasons - in giving one person your all.
of course, the sixth had just passed. will it be the last? who knows. but if it is, then my last lesson learned is loyalty. if you love someone, you’ll

learn to let go of your deepest desires and come past all temptations - no matter how strong or inviting - if they meant losing your one true love. as

i’ve said before, would you exchange a moment for a lifetime?

*silence*

when you’ve already tried - after trying so many times and ending up just being let down one after another - when no one seems to be able to return

the love you give, who do you turn to?

i say, to yourself.
to me is myself.

now that i’m back to this familiar spot i’ve come around to a couple of times over, i’ve almost completely made peace with the fact that i should not

leave my happiness to the mercy of others. i must know that this great person that is me deserves all the happiness in the world, because he’s been

nothing but good and true, and if no one seems to be able find value in that lest realize it, i should not grow weary. i shouldn’t need someone to

complete me.

so now, i carry my bags of lessons learned and the scars that made me stronger, and i move on. i find company in a few loyal friends, love in my

family, and reason to live in a one true God and i should be fine.

rest well now, josh…
you may now close your eyes and breathe out all the pain,
for this is not loneliness.
it’s a chance to love one’s self.

(”The World I Know”, by Collective Soul, rendition of David Cook, playing)

Nathan Petrelli: “Does God know what I am? Do I? Am I an angel or a monster?”

Faces with no names. People wanting to be wanted.

Finally, I found you.

Suddenly, time stopped running.

Everything else stopped moving.

Right in front of me, just meters away, there you were, eyes closed, kissing someone else.

Shock ran through my veins, like a sudden jolt of lightning, not intended to kill, but stun all consciousness in me.

One… You opened your eyes.

Two… Your eyes caught mine.

Three… Lovely you. Petrified. (You should’ve seen the look on your face)

Then, maybe, four…

It took about four dreary seconds for me to recognize pain amid the turmoil of emotions after the numbness. But quickly, the pain dissipated.

I’m not quite sure why, but all I could do was to smile, etched one part helplessness, one part amusement.

Ha Ha. There I was, the King of Fools, smiling at the love of my life, kissing someone else.

If only I could fly, I bet I would’ve… faster than a heartbeat of my then dying heart.

Sandra: You’re a seventeen year old girl!
Claire Bennet: Who can’t get hurt! Can’t die, can’t even feel pain… You just don’t understand.

F*ck. I thought “Blind Dating” was just one of those shallow romance-comedy chick flicks so not worth your money.

…Maybe it was. Maybe it was just me. But when Danny got to see his family’s faces for the first time, “fuzzy images in black and white”, tears came gushing down my eyes.

I was crying incessantly, and a surge of intoxicating emotions filled my lungs I found it difficult to breathe. Then, I realized… I wasn’t crying over Danny anymore.

I was crying over me.

Realizing that only made me cry even more.

So, really, we might heal easily as some, or slowly as most, but the truth is that we’ll all have to deal with the pain first before the wounds would mend.

Hiro Nakamura: “I teleported. Forward. Backward. But I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t save Charlie.”
Ando: “So, try again!”
Hiro Nakamura: “It won’t work. This power, it’s bigger than me. I can’t change the past. No matter how hard I wish. I failed.”

Looking back, would I have had things any differently? What would I have changed?

Should I have just not been there to see it for myself?

Should I have confronted you right then and there, humiliated you in front of everyone else? Should I have gone into a brawl and shattered your face with my fist until they were stained with your blood?

Should I have tried loving you more than I already did? Should I have loved you less?

Or should I have not loved you at all?

…But if I could go back and alter the past, would it make any difference? Would you not have deceived me? Or would it all be just the same? Would you still have mocked me behind my back, and betrayed me for a kiss, perhaps in just another place, or another time?

I guess, the answers don’t matter anymore, do they? Now that I know. Now that I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Now that I have failed yet again, after all I’ve put in the relationship - in “us” - having to pick up the scraps of what little there is left of everything - of me - and move on… Without ever looking back at you and whatever you had with… had for… me.

Sylar: You’re like me.
Peter Petrelli: I will never let myself become you.
Sylar: You already are, brother.

I went out the other night. I asked myself, “What do I do now?”.

I’m free to do what I want. Hell, I’m soo free I could do what you did, without an ounce of guilt or remorse or reason to hold back.

But there is… a reason… why I opted not to.

Because I know better.

Because I deserve better.

Because I have to make things better for me and that person who’ll give me the love you never gave me, and who will never even dream of hurting me the way you did.

Niki Sanders: “Oh God, please help me.”
Jessica: “Who needs God, when you’ve got me?”

In life, we can either be strong, or weak. We could always learn from our mistakes, or dwell in the past and never let go. There’s right and wrong, as there’s darkness and light.

I think, what matters, what’s most important, are the choices we make. It could be the choices that we fail to make. But in any case, there’s always a choice.

…It would be very easy to presume who the heroes are as opposed to the villains. But good and evil may not always appear so distinctly as black and white. You and I, may be either one… and it may or may not matter, because after all, all everybody yearns for is love - to love and be loved - heroes and villains alike.

Love. That’s the power…

…I may not have the power to fly away and turn my back against all these that have happened. I may not have the ability to heal so quickly, or the strength to easily pick up from where I left off before you. But what I do know that I do have… is a choice.

I will not feel hate over you, but gratitude, for setting me free and letting me meet someone else who will treat me right and give me what I deserve. Revenge can do nothing.

I will not look at our past so bitterly. In time, I’ll be able to look back and smile - after bringing all the good things from it - happy that I have come out of it as a better person.

The past will not have any control over me. I shall not be a slave to it. Instead, I will leap forward the soonest time possible and brace myself for the good things to come.

Easier said than done, I know.

“Yet we struggle to make a difference, to change the world, to dream of hope; never knowing for certain whom we will meet along the way. Who among the world of strangers will hold our hand, touch our hearts, and share the pain of trying?” - Mohinder Suresh

after all this time, i’ve gotten the chance to read through my blogs.

a bold thing to do. taking a glimpse of the past. rekindling all the feelings… mostly of hurt, and loss.

it’s the past, indeed.

but really… how am i any different than before?

does it just never end? the pain?

i was told that love is a choice… and maybe happiness too.

my mind does agree.

but sometimes, my heart says no.

…and i guess the heart is harder to convince, because it is the heart that feels.

…and when you get hurt, the feeling is just so hard to shun away.

you can’t just tell yourself, "it’s nothing" when you start bleeding. every drop of the scarlet liquid will tell you otherwise. it is something. it is real.

so, how does one love inspite of the heartache? how does one become happy when, inside, you cry?

i’m not a wise man. i’m no sage.

but what i do know, is that it’s part of it. hurting is part of loving. you can never love if you’re not willing to get hurt.

…because when you love, you give up something. you give up yourself… pieces of yourself… things that are important to you… and those are not easy to give, and not all people would be willing to do so.

but the only way for you to sure that you are genuinely in love is that - inspite of the peril, inspite of how much you lose, inspite of the torment - you go on and continue… loving… just because.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7 )"

(Say It Right, by Nelly Furtado feat. Erick Right, playing)

hey, stranger.

nice to see you again, it’s been a while.

you seem a little bit under the weather, are you doing fine?

i know i haven’t been able to check on you recently…

and i apologize…

i’ve been busy meeting people…

for you.

i hope you understand.

it’s just that i’ve been painstakingly wanting to see you with someone, so that you won’t be as lonely as much as you’ve always been.

i couldn’t help it.

you can’t blame me for being so gravely concerned with you. everytime i see you, it troubles me to have to see it in your eyes, that emptiness that creeps up on me.

it’s a secret only you and i know, that the moment you wake up - even before you open your eyes - you always reach to your side, finding out if there’s anyone there, and everytime you realize that there’s still half of the bed unfilled, you’d close your eyes, keep that dreaded wetness from building up, and with a heavy sigh let out that hurt.

i should know. i have to see it and feel it and deal with it… everytime.

so, can you blame me?

for being out too often?

if i have to take the guilt, i’ll take it for failing to find someone who deserves you; i won’t be guilty for trying.

but if anything, i pay a hefty price for my sins, you know. i do get punished for every moment i miss spending with you.

it’s me who gets to deal with the debilitation of exerting too much effort, only to find out they were all in vain. unrequited, if not dismal and desperate.

It’s my emotions that dissipate, from being lost to eventually becoming untraced.

…and sleeping around doesn’t help, for the record.

…not when you’ve already had you fill of it. then it becomes tasteless. distasteful.

if only they knew.

if only they know you like i do.

but i hope it’s never too late… good thing i found my way back home. good thing you called me back to you, and not let me lose myself.

can i make it up to you?

can we begin anew?

hey, stranger. now, i promise…

…to protect you, and guard you, and save you… from anyone who doesn’t see what you’re worth… from anyone who falls short of what you deserve… from anyone who won’t be able to best me in loving you…

…yes, i would now love you with all i’ve got. all i’ve got and all i am… so that you don’t have to settle for anything… anyone… less.

i promise…

—SELF

"[Timbaland:]
(Break it, break it down)
(Hey)
(You don’t mean nothing at all to me)
(Hey, hey)
(Break it, break it down)
[Nelly:]
In the day
In the night
Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don’t
You either stand
Or you fall
When your will
Is broken
When it slips
From your hand
When there’s no
Time for joking
There’s a hole
In my plan
[Erick Right:]
Got me twisted all inside
Don’t know what’s on your Mind
When you telling me to say it right
But yet again you call me your Mr. right
Wanna know who’s playin games
Confusion who to blame
When you tell what I’m sayings wrong
But yet you come around say I got you sprung
You got me thinking ish
When you act like your slick
I gotta end this quick
But some how I can’t quit
How does something so wrong
Feel so right
I gots to go
Before I lose control
[Nelly:] Oh, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
[Erick:] (That’s how you make it sound, but yet I’m still around)
[Nelly:] No, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
[Erick:] (Not true, I know you mean it)
[Nelly:] Oh, you got what it takes to set me free
[Erick:] (Why don’t I feel the same, you made me feel this way)
[Nelly:] Oh you could mean everything to me
[Erick:] (I could, but you don’t seem to show it)
I can’t say (Say)
That I’m not (Not)
Lost (Lost)
And at fault (Fault)
I can’t say (Say)
That I don’t (Don’t)
Love the light (Light)
And the dark
I can’t say
That I don’t (Don’t)
Know that I (Am)
Am alive
And I love
What I feel (Feel)
I could show (Show you)
You tonite, you tonite
[Nelly:] Oh, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
[Erick:] (That’s how you make it sound, but yet I’m still around)
[Nelly:] No, you don’t mean nothing at all to me
[Erick:] (Not true, I know you mean it)
[Nelly:] Oh, you got what it takes to set me free
[Erick:] (Why don’t I feel the same, you made me feel this way)
[Nelly:] Oh you could mean everything to me
[Erick:] (I could, but you don’t seem to show it)
[Erick:]
Baby I wanna see if you want (Want me)
Need to know what you can do for me
[Nelly:]
From my body (From my body)
I could show you (I could show you)
A place (A place)
God knows (That only God knows)
You should know
Space is holy (Ahh)
Do you really
Wanna go?
[Erick:]
That’s how you make it sound, but yet I’m still around
Not true, I know you mean it
Why Don’t I feel the same, you made me feel thïs way
I could, but you don’t seem to show ït"

("Inside Out", by VonRay, Smallville OST, playing)

It would have been wonderful to be taken away and fly…

But I never really needed a hero to save me… In fact, I didn’t need any saving at all…

So, it’s alright. You can leave me now and save the world for yet another day. I will not shed a tear… You’re probably right, I couldn’t possibly come first over all those who count on your strength and speed… They need you more.

Know though, before you fly away…

…I’ll be wishing for your happiness as I watch you from down here, because I know even superheroes deserve to be happy, and be loved.

I’m sure you’d find it among the stars somewhere in the galaxy.

…Let me fight my own battles now. I know I can even without you… Like I said, you didn’t have to save me from anything. You didn’t have to be the superhero that you are.

…But it doesn’t matter anymore.

…So, go now, save mankind…

…I now have to find my part in this world… in someone else’s mortal arms.

I don’t believe all the things I hear.
All these things I hold so dear, I won’t take for granted.
I tell myself that I won’t hide.
Maybe this might finalize, this fear I feel’s unfounded.

Do you see the danger creeping up beside?

‘Cause you’re turning me inside out,
You’re breaking all these promises we made.
Maybe time will make it right.
Yeah, you’re turning me inside out.
It’s taking all my strength and will to stay.
Maybe time will make it right.

I’ve always taken a chance with life,
knowing if I paid the price that soon I’d find the answer.
There’s no use being afraid to see what my life was meant to be.
It could take me so much higher.
Do you see the danger creeping up beside?

{"Everything", by Lifehouse playing)

It struck me when you said it’s healthy to cry - even for a man - every once in a while. It sounded silly in a way, sitting there in front of you hearing it for myself.

To cry. I so wanted to cry… for weeks… but all I was able to do was smile.

I know I’ve said this once and again, but for whatever it’s worth, I’d like to tell you again how much I appreciate you coming into my life.

You know I’m glad to have met you.

But what you do not know is that there were tears I kept from falling, saving them for that one night when I could finally break down and shatter, sinking my head onto my pillows and letting go of every drop of tear I held on to since I met you. I couldn’t cry then, because I was decided to hold on steadfast to whatever little hope you gave me, whatever little promise you provided me when you said I was special to you…

I’d hate saying this, but the happiness you brought me came with this immense pain I didn’t know I could or would feel in my lifetime.

I never felt so happy, but I never felt as hurt either.

I never felt so insecure. I never felt so afraid. I never felt so unnoticed and unimportant and downright unwanted.

*one drop of tear falls*

All because I fell in love with you. (You and your childlike demeanor and your pastries and your long lashes and you singing and your dancing to me…)

That was what made me want to cry. That was the cause of all the tears my eyes refused to shed whenever I looked at the beauty of you, fixated on the beauty of you, mesmerized at the beauty of you…

Funny. All this time, all I wanted is someone who could make me stay, but when I met you and I finally decided to do so, why did things led me the other way?

Call me pathetic. You made me grow weak.

Call me selfish. I can’t get enough of you.

Call me crazy. Love knows no reason…

You have already danced with me.

You have already made me stay.

That is why I stood here, for a very long time. All I wanted was for you to see me.

…Did you you see me?

*more tears start falling*

…or was I just standing here waiting for the day you’d finally take me, without any assurance that that day’s actually there waiting somewhere ahead of us?

Was I standing here alone, waiting for nothing?

All I was asking was, "Where are we headed?"

I hope you let me know.

Was it too much to ask? Did I ask too soon?

*several more teardrops running down my face*

You tell me that you were happy with me ..and I couldn’t appreciate it any greater, ‘coz everyday that’s what I hoped for.

But… what if you’ll be happy no more? What if I fail to bring a smile to your face? What if someone else comes along who’d give you more happiness that what you get from being with me?

I guess happiness doesn’t answer it all… Not when you’re happy but not in love.

…So, I guess this is it…

*can’t help it, my tears start welling out…*

It’s time for me to leave.

*the tears never stop running*

It’s time for me to finally accept the haunting fact that no matter how much I try, no matter how much I hope for it, I won’t be the one you’ll need.

*pillows… such comforting pillows… soaked with tears*

…Sad, I won’t be able to kiss you even for the last time . I’ll just have to start mourning the early death of my first love without any memory of your sweet kiss.

But I’ll bid you goodbye with all hopes that you may meet the one to whom you’ll give the love you couldn’t give me…

*sad smile*

I’m not sure if this is a mistake I’ll regret for the rest of my life, letting go of someone that could be the only one I’d really care for.

But for whatever it’s worth…

I may have been the one who let go…

But I wasn’t the one who couldn’t say "I love you".

I wasn’t the one who didn’t feel that way…

*…last teardrop falls*

Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the light to my soul
You are my purpose
You’re everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

You calm the storm
And You give me rest
You hold me in your hand
You won’t let me fall

You still my heart
And You take my breath away
Would You take me in?
Take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

‘Cause You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
Everything

‘Cause You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
Everything

‘Cause You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything
Everything

‘Cause You’re all I want
You’re all I need
Everything
Everything

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

And how can I stand here with You
And not be moved by You?
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this?

(”Come Back to Bed”, by John Mayer playing)

this doesn’t feel right
lying here all alone.

was it just a dream?
if so, it was a nightmare.

does my memory serve me right?
i had you here beside me
just before i fell asleep
last night
(…or so i thought.)

i’ve been waiting.
but now i realize
waiting
is far better
than being left behind.
left alone.
left with nothing
but memories
of how you touched me
and kissed me.

you should have taken them all with you.
the faded memories
and false promises altogether.

but not the kiss.
not that sweet kiss
your soft lips passed onto mine.
leave it to me and be gone.
let me lie down still
on my bed of loneliness
and let me close my eyes
to rekindle the warmth
of that one kiss.

respond.
you respond to my wanting,
to my waiting…
with footsteps.
footsteps.
i open my teary eyes
and there you are
standing at my bedroom door
with your lovely smile.

you came back..
hopefully to stay,
hopefully to share my bed with me
and never go away.

so stop teasing me,
stop making me wait any further.
all my life i’ve been lying here waiting
for you to arrive,
and now that you’re here,
don’t just stand there outside the door.
take your place beside me
…come back to bed.