…have you?
("Save Yourself", by Sense Field playing)
have you ever felt that kind of stinging loneliness? no, not that one you feel from a major heartbreak or death, not that kind which falls down on you like lightning and shatters you into oblivion in an instant…
it’s the one that slowly eats on you and numbs you ’til you can hardly breathe and… all you want is to disappear.
when you stand alone in a bar, holding your beer in your right hand, cigarette on the other, amid that sea of people laughing and screaming and dancing like hell, with all those fog/cigarette smoke/weedsmoke and strobe lights/intelligent lights/spotlights and partygoers/bitches/assholes… if you’ll just stop moving, if you’ll just stop hearing the banging music and stop breathing for a moment, just for a moment, and see yourself against everything and everyone in that room…
you’d feel it.
the split second right after you see yourself all alone and all you have is your ridiculously warm bottle of beer and ash-turned stick of cheap cigarette - while all else seems to be hyped up with life and zest and signature drugs - and at that brief moment you’re holding your breath as what i’ve told you, you’d feel that loneliness slowly creeping on you.
you begin to be oblivious to the techno music and the nauseating effect of the alcohol and the people dancing to you and touching you all over your body, and bit by bit, the kisses do not feel as hot anymore, the booze do not seem as intoxicating anymore, and you do not feel as concernless anymore.
the music rocks and the peeps are gorgeous, but you’d tell yourself: THIS PARTY SUCKS.
coz you’d start to realize…
you’re there alright. party’s just reached its peak. you could dance all you want, get laid anytime, and drink until you blow them all out, but that doesn’t change the fact that you have no one but strangers, and you’ve got nothing but a few more minutes of lucid interval before you get totally drunk.
"what was i thinking coming here in the first place?", you tell yourself… dare yourself to scream at the top of your lungs just to see if anyone would even dare to look up (look down?) on you…
the mere fact that you have gone clubbing alone means nothing else but that it’s bound to happen: you realizing that, alone as you are, you need someone… and with that hunger for company, you won’t care whether you end up in someone’s pad to have filthy sex, or in a coffee shop conversing with an acquaintance at 4am, or leaving your number to a stranger with the promise of a dinner date sometime…
it may sound pathetic to the world, but not to you.
yes, there might be point in asking, "who’d go to a bar alone?!", but to you it makes more sense, even if everyone else might disagree. they’re not the ones feeling lonely anyway.
loneliness. such a lonely word.
the moment has passed. ended by a sudden feeling of wet cloth against your chest. someone has just accidentally poured margarita on you. "sorry!", you were told, translated to "such a waste…" in a more honest language.
you resurface. back to reality. back to the music and the dancing and the party…
from where you’re standing, someone has just winked at you, telling you to come over and dance…
so you leave your stale San Mig Light on the bar, order for a Cosmopolitan and, mindlessly, dive into the sea of people making your way to your one-night stand.
…have you ever felt that kind of stinging loneliness? no, not that one you feel from a major heartbreak or death, not that kind which falls down on you like lightning and shatters you into oblivion in an instant…
…but that kind of loneliness you feel for a brief moment, in a bar while you’re alone by the dancefloor, realizing that you’re with no one but strangers when you could have spent the night lying in bed with someone beside you …rested by your fluffy pillows and the mere fact that you love and are being loved in return…
