…back to you

(”Broken Strings” by James Morrison, playing)
i’m sorry that i have bored you. i’m sorry that i wasn’t able to surprise you, or heat things up the way you wanted me to. i guess i’m not the fun kind of lover anymore. it’s a shame i’m past the gimmicks, or that i’ve outgrown youthful fervor, or that i’m already too resolved at my age, and you’re not. but come to think of it, i didn’t complain when you failed in that too. perhaps, the difference is that i just didn’t take the time to notice what was missing. i was too focused on what was there, and what you were willingly able to give. i guess the difference was that what was there was, for me… enough.

i’m sorry that i haven’t slept with you for a very long time. i admit my fault, and there may be no excuse for that, but that’s my reason, and that’s the truth. you know that. i did tell you it’s not on top of my list, and i never thought it would be a problem because you said you were fine with it, or so you made me think. too bad my insensitivity got in the way, and it’s a pity you had to look someplace else - with someone else - to fill in the gap. well, all that i hope for is that it was all worth it. that you sleeping with someone else - once, twice, God-only-knows-how-much - was worth throwing away all that we had. i wouldn’t even get to thinking whether it really did mean anything to you - us, i mean - but for whatever it’s worth, let me say that, to me. it did. you meant the world to me. time and again, i’ve told you that i chose to live the rest of my life with you. there were the plans i thought we mutually built, embedded in the promise of two platinum rings. that said, it was beyond comprehension for me that i would give myself to someone else in the intimate and soulful way that i gave myself to you… i had my share of temptations, you know. but that was all they were to me. temptations. invitations. cheap chances to last a moment. but i wouldn’t exchange a moment for a lifetime. and you are my lifetime, or at least you were. too bad you didn’t feel the same way.

i’m sorry that i made you feel this was all just for the company. you might have thought i “needed” the relationship more than i “wanted” it. i thought you knew me better.  i had a good life back home, and although you weren’t the only reason in me coming here, you were that one compelling reason that led me to do so… because, yes, i did want your company. the companionship. isn’t love supposed to rest on that? isn’t my lover supposed to be my bestfriend? when i see an old couple, i sink into fascination, and when i think how they have endured all the years they’ve been through and stay in love, i know for sure it wasn’t the fancy stuff that made it life-long. it was the sustaining company: that no matter what, they always have each other… oh well, i may have misunderstood you when you said that, that’s my bad, but i hope this much You understand: i meant to be your companion, quite frankly, but not because love wasn’t there, but because i found love in it. in the way you made me giggle when you dance the funny way you do, or when you make faces, or act out your tantrums. i found love in sleeping beside you underneath the sheets, stroking your hair until you fall asleep. i found love in watching movies with you, then talking about it and making impressions hours after we’ve watched it. i found love in eating out or just staying at home while enjoying your home-cooked meals with you, no matter what the food was, because food was tastiest when you prepared it. i found love in every small day-to-day things i did with you, not because they meant anything by themselves, but because i shared them with you. you were all that gave meaning to each and every trivial moment. you and your company… this understated company. it may have been my fault i didn’t notice you were wanting more grandeur, more passion, but please never take it against me if i was content, because i was. after all, all i really needed was you.

so, i guess you’ve found someone else… and that’s fine. you deserve someone better…

but…

so do i.

(”Permanent”, by David Cook, playing)

there had been too many lies. there had been too many false promises. i’ve bled and sobbed over too many mistakes and regrets and

disappointments enough to last me a lifetime. i will have none of it anymore.

this time, i’m not crying not because “i can’t cry no more”, not because i wasn’t in love, but because i simply choose to. i have decided not to waste

my tears if it isn’t worth it. let’s just say that i’ve held on to my tears because they’re more valuable than the price of being left behind by people who

do not appreciate me or realize my worth. it will take more than someone who doesn’t know any better to make me cry.

have i gone cold? maybe.
have i gone stiff? perhaps.
have i stopped hoping, bitter and pessimistic? i don’t know anymore.

if i am though, can you blame me?
can you take it against me even if i tried?
…coz God only knows how much i did.

how much i gave, even if it never seemed enough.
how much i tried to make things work, even if i was the only one trying.
how much i sought to put them first before me, even if it left me so little for myself.
how much i looked forward to the plans, only to be left behind.

if anything, i’m thankful that i learned.

there was the first, who taught me to commit myself only if it did feel right… only if there was love.
the second taught me to endure waiting, with little hope of being returned to, and hold on to nothing else but believing, deep in my heart, that all

will be well.
then the third. i was taught that facing your fears isn’t that hard if it means getting what you want. that prejudice leads to nothing, and inhibitions

get you nowhere.
fourth time around, i was taught that tomorrow will always be there, but today will only be here now. if you’re too scared of the future, what’s the

point of living through today?
on the fifth, i learned selflessness. that there is a distinct pleasure - for a whole lot of reasons - in giving one person your all.
of course, the sixth had just passed. will it be the last? who knows. but if it is, then my last lesson learned is loyalty. if you love someone, you’ll

learn to let go of your deepest desires and come past all temptations - no matter how strong or inviting - if they meant losing your one true love. as

i’ve said before, would you exchange a moment for a lifetime?

*silence*

when you’ve already tried - after trying so many times and ending up just being let down one after another - when no one seems to be able to return

the love you give, who do you turn to?

i say, to yourself.
to me is myself.

now that i’m back to this familiar spot i’ve come around to a couple of times over, i’ve almost completely made peace with the fact that i should not

leave my happiness to the mercy of others. i must know that this great person that is me deserves all the happiness in the world, because he’s been

nothing but good and true, and if no one seems to be able find value in that lest realize it, i should not grow weary. i shouldn’t need someone to

complete me.

so now, i carry my bags of lessons learned and the scars that made me stronger, and i move on. i find company in a few loyal friends, love in my

family, and reason to live in a one true God and i should be fine.

rest well now, josh…
you may now close your eyes and breathe out all the pain,
for this is not loneliness.
it’s a chance to love one’s self.