epilogue
(”Permanent”, by David Cook, playing)
there had been too many lies. there had been too many false promises. i’ve bled and sobbed over too many mistakes and regrets and
disappointments enough to last me a lifetime. i will have none of it anymore.
this time, i’m not crying not because “i can’t cry no more”, not because i wasn’t in love, but because i simply choose to. i have decided not to waste
my tears if it isn’t worth it. let’s just say that i’ve held on to my tears because they’re more valuable than the price of being left behind by people who
do not appreciate me or realize my worth. it will take more than someone who doesn’t know any better to make me cry.
have i gone cold? maybe.
have i gone stiff? perhaps.
have i stopped hoping, bitter and pessimistic? i don’t know anymore.
if i am though, can you blame me?
can you take it against me even if i tried?
…coz God only knows how much i did.
how much i gave, even if it never seemed enough.
how much i tried to make things work, even if i was the only one trying.
how much i sought to put them first before me, even if it left me so little for myself.
how much i looked forward to the plans, only to be left behind.
if anything, i’m thankful that i learned.
there was the first, who taught me to commit myself only if it did feel right… only if there was love.
the second taught me to endure waiting, with little hope of being returned to, and hold on to nothing else but believing, deep in my heart, that all
will be well.
then the third. i was taught that facing your fears isn’t that hard if it means getting what you want. that prejudice leads to nothing, and inhibitions
get you nowhere.
fourth time around, i was taught that tomorrow will always be there, but today will only be here now. if you’re too scared of the future, what’s the
point of living through today?
on the fifth, i learned selflessness. that there is a distinct pleasure - for a whole lot of reasons - in giving one person your all.
of course, the sixth had just passed. will it be the last? who knows. but if it is, then my last lesson learned is loyalty. if you love someone, you’ll
learn to let go of your deepest desires and come past all temptations - no matter how strong or inviting - if they meant losing your one true love. as
i’ve said before, would you exchange a moment for a lifetime?
*silence*
when you’ve already tried - after trying so many times and ending up just being let down one after another - when no one seems to be able to return
the love you give, who do you turn to?
i say, to yourself.
to me is myself.
now that i’m back to this familiar spot i’ve come around to a couple of times over, i’ve almost completely made peace with the fact that i should not
leave my happiness to the mercy of others. i must know that this great person that is me deserves all the happiness in the world, because he’s been
nothing but good and true, and if no one seems to be able find value in that lest realize it, i should not grow weary. i shouldn’t need someone to
complete me.
so now, i carry my bags of lessons learned and the scars that made me stronger, and i move on. i find company in a few loyal friends, love in my
family, and reason to live in a one true God and i should be fine.
rest well now, josh…
you may now close your eyes and breathe out all the pain,
for this is not loneliness.
it’s a chance to love one’s self.
